Tuesday, January 12, 2010

His for 3 hours … and a Whopper

(… Or HER side of the same …)

I am never the kiss and tell type but for the sake of this blog, I will share to you a little something something in my humdrum existence. Things have been generally quiet lately, but the most incredible story just happened to me and I thought it would make a good story to tell! Hang on to your bra straps because what you're about to read will flatten your perm no doubt! Haha!

Anyway, me and the girls decided to go out and party last Friday, after work. Took a minute to drop by at our place, with Girlie, changed into our sluttiest sexiest outfit and headed out to the bar … Maaaaaan! The place hasn't changed since our glorious days! Still the odd mix of working girls, johns, dinks, yuppies and old-American-bags-on-the-rebound. Same great Cuban and Brazilian music. By 11, the place was packed and the beat really picked up.

At one point, I see this guy across the bar, sitting with his buddies, talking and laughing. No girl at their table and apparently not desperate to have one or more join them. The guy and I made eye contact and I could tell that I'd made an impression … poor him was literally drooling all over! He looked like a Dirty Old Man 60ish but with a reasonably "young face", so probably late 40s or so; classic looks; more gentleman than bum but, that twinkle in his eyes, 'was funny. Not especially good looking, yet … I thought for sure he would find a way to say something, do something, come over, send a drink, or whatever! But maybe he realized that I wasn't one of the freelancers….Like I said though, n-o-t-h-i-n-g from him! I turned over to check on him later on and he'd just … vanished! Couldn't believe it. The nerd!!! Hahaha!

The following morning, Girlie got a call from Jimmy who happens to be this guy's best friend. It turns out *E, (my silent admirer's name) wanted to contact me, so Girlie gave Jimmy my phone number. Long story short, an hour later I get a text from E (really a nerd, like he couldn't call or what? Duh!), inviting me for coffee and by 1pm, we're sitting at some joint at The Mall (hate that place, the guy has no class or what?).

We start chitchatting, and I suddenly realize that Eis positively convinced I'm a working girl! Couldn’t believe it! What a funny twist on things! So here he is, suggesting we go to this short-time motel on the strip and I thought to myself … "Why not!? Let's play the part!" And so we head out to the motel (my first! his surely not!!). All along, E keeps talking about himself, what he does, where he goes, what he likes and doesn't like – the usual USan, oblivious to the fact that the universe revolves neither around the USofA, nor him personally. He's obviously not interested in knowing who I am and what I do - the two or three words I manage to pitch in are my desperate attempt to demonstrate that I DO have a brain, but I am by now convinced that any attempt on my part to "inform him" of who his companion is is pointless – he just doesn't care about that. So we finally get there, he definitely knows his way around the place, he flashes a card (!) to an attendant, buzzes right through into the garage and up we go to a room! Woooow! Guuurl! Tacky the place, wheeeeew! I try to act like I'm familiar with the setting, and play the part of the hardened long-legged creature. But inside, I was just howowowowowling!!!

Apparently the obligatory first step once the door is closed behind us … the kissing… Re-heeeeeeew! His tongue was all over the place, like he's trying to clean up the inside of my esophagus all the way down to my large intestine! Gee! I mean, the guy obviously never learned the 101 of serious kissing! So I obliged and undertook to teach him a thing or two about the sublime, delicate and refined art of kissing. He did seem to have a good time, so much so actually that he started pushing my head towards his crotch… And when I say "pushing", I mean "p-u-s-h-i-n-g". Daaaaaam! Now talk about failing the Romanticism-for-Dummies course! (Actually, the thought of buying him a copy of the book did cross my mind, but I gave up on that as well as I thought I would NEVER in the world wish to be the one to reap the fruits of his self-education – but can he even read? AhAhAh!)

In any event, pushing/passive resistance, more pushing/more active resistance … in the end, he didn't get it, so I gave in and decided on the spot I'd give him the best US$200,000/year (*get calculator and convert to Philippine Pesos*) blowjob he'd ever get! And a royal one he got! I was silently going through all my mental notes on the topic, the do's and don’ts, the tips your granny never gives you (did she ever even know it could be done?!?), and motioning as I saw amateur-girl/virgin-next-door (!!!) doing in porn vids I'd watched on ourporn. Seemed to do the trick 'cause E came in 7 seconds flat! Wham-Bang-Thank-You-Ma'am! Another 3 seconds and he was snoring like a little angel, with a wide grin of perfect self-satisfaction.

After a relatively quiet 1.5 hour break watching tv with my "angel" at my side (and the not so muffled sound of a Boeing 747 reactor at take-off for background noise covering tv voices…), E woke up, ready for more of course! And so he dived straight away in between my legs, not licking but more like lapping (dog-style, and in not so refined manner), not caressing but more like trying to fist me, then rolling over and lifting me on top of him, lying flat on his back, motionless, as he let me do all the work. Wish I could tell you I did get some pleasure out of that second round but the poor guy was half-limp!!!! Double DUH!!! This was definitely NOT meant to be MY turn!!! Sadly, he did last more than 7 seconds this time around (probably an "age-thing"), and after much huffing and puffing (his own, while for my part, I did my best to give him the most convincing Japanese-style sighing/screaming/whining I could muster), he finally came in the triple-layered condom he'd asked me to put on for him (did he really think I was std-fully-loaded?!?). Wow!

After mumbling a few words (the substance of which I will never know), my limp-ish E finally got up in a rush, showered in a flash, was dressed up in less time than it took him to fall asleep, and not-so-graciously indicated that he was in a hurry to leave (our time in the PHP 500 room had expired maybe?). He then took me on my first date to Burger King since I was 14 (the curly fries, please! and THREE big Whoppers for him alone …), and he drove me back to The Mall afterwards… He ungallantly threw on my laps $20 as I prepared to get out of his car (!?! 10 bucks a pop? WTF?), kissed me on the cheek, told me he'd call me again soon, and took off in his run-down Civic 97, failing to see me as I got into my Merc 500S.

Such is life my dear friends! Sounds like a terrible story to make you cry. But in all honesty, I have no idea why… since 5 days now, every time I think of it, I feel like bursting out laughing out loud! *insert devilish, bitchy laugh*

* Names used in this story have been changed to protect the identity of the slutty bitch and her accidental 'client'. Hahaha! Are you seriously thinking that this is a true story?!?! Seriously? Triple DUH at yah! Hope you guys liked it :)

The Unpure One,


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